IN PRAISE OF MULTICULTURALISM
I believe that the environmentalists and multiculturalists are correct in blaming the problems of the world on the white man's interference with the cultural values of the non-white races.
Unlike the multiculturalists, however, I believe in applying multiculturalist arguments literally.
After a century of receiving our charity, the non-white races are now multiplying by the billions, and are immigrating to white countries, where they demand more charity. Multiculturalists insist that we should take them in, but deny that we have anything superior to offer them. Actually, their culture is as good as ours!
If that is so, surely they cannot object if their culture is what we give them. For example:
The Aztec war god, Huitzilopochtli, was fed with the hearts of prisoners, after which the bodies were devoured in a cannibal orgy. Equipped with an export religion to paralyze the intended victims ("Huitzilopochtli is a God of Love", "Aztecs are God's Chosen People", etc.), this religion might have real possibilities (i.e., the bodies could be thrown off the Lincoln Memorial and devoured in front of the Hoaxoco$t Museum).
The Cocoma Indians of Peru ate their dead and dissolved the bones in fermented drink on the grounds that it was "better to be inside a friend than be swallowed up in the cold Earth".
This practice, known as "funeral cannibalism", was once exceedingly common, prevailing throughout Africa, Australia, the South Seas, and South America. The products of putrefaction were licked up as they ran down off the body; the Australian Aborigines smoke-dried their dead, consuming all body parts rendered liquid by the heat.
The beauty of this practice is that it incalculably multiplied the death rate through the spread of contagious disease. This death rate was again doubled by the fact that primitive peoples had, until very recently, no concept of natural death. All death not due to violence was attributed to witchcraft and avenged by murder.
Presumably, this is another value of great relevance and diversity (i.e., the bodies could be allowed to rot for months, and the multiculturalists could eat them).
In India, children were thrown into the Ganges, while the crocodiles who ate them were worshipped. The shortage of crocodiles in California, Canada, Britain, and Europe offers some difficulty, but presumably some suitable substitute could be devised.
Infibulation is another custom of great multicultural richness and relevance. This is the attaching of a ring or clasp to the sexual organs to prevent sexual intercourse. In Africa, this consists of stitching together the labia majora of girls at the age of four or five. (For rap singers and Nelson Mandela, please enrichen other end.)
Care for the sick and elderly is a well-known value of primitive peoples. The Eskimos starved their aged and sick: the Chukchi of Siberia stoned or strangled them; some Indian tribes fed them to tigers; the Battas of Sumatra ate them. Just think of the savings in Social Security!
Overpopulation and world hunger are problems created by the White man. The Niam-Niam, Monbuttu, and Maori carried on wars to obtain human flesh; human body parts were exposed for sale in markets; corpses of relatives were sold for food. African and Polynesian cannibals ate their own children; the Tasmanians, when hungry, considered the birth of a child simply the opportunity for a square meal. Fiji chiefs ate their own friends and relatives. Just think of the money saved on Food Stamps!
There are no fraudulent bankruptcies among primitive peoples. The Battas ate their criminals, while some African tribes ate their debtors. Robert Maxwell alone would feed a multitude (smoke-dried).
Homeopathic methods of healing are of great multicultural relevance as well. The Tongans amputated finger joints to allow the escape of evil spirits which brought disease into the body; diseased children were thus mutilated. The Luritcha Aborigines cured sick children by feeding them on younger, healthier, children.
Love of children and large families is another well-known multicultural characteristic. Africans baited lion traps with their own children; South Americans, such as the Moxos, abandoned or killed them without reason. According to Charles Darwin, a Fuegian dashed his child's brains out for simply upsetting a basket of fish. An Australian aborigine, seeing his infant sick, killed, roasted, and ate him.
Personal adornment (no animal testing, please!) is one of the many fields in which non-white cultural values might well be imitated. The Hottentots and Bushmen removed one testicle; the Gallas amputated the nipples of boys; the Australian Aborigines cut open and left exposed the whole length of the urethral canal of the penis. Just the thing for Bill Clinton!
The Botocudos inserted disks of wood into the lower lip. Mangaja women pierced the upper lip and introduced small metal shields or rings. Mittu women thrust wooden pegs through the lips. In other tribes, sticks of rock crystal were pushed through, which jingled together as the wearer talked. Senegalese women increased the thickness of the upper lip by pricking until it was permanently swollen. This presumably renders them irresistible if you can tell the difference.
In Indo-China, the Mois of Annam, the Penangs of Cambodia, and the Dyaks of Borneo extended their ear lobes by the insertion of wooden disks and metal rings and weights until they sometimes reached the shoulder. African and Asian earrings sometimes weighed half a pound. The natives of the Zambesi distended the perforation in the lobe of the ear until the fist could pass through it. The Monbuttos carried rolls of leaves, leather, or cigarettes in their ears. The Papuans, the natives of the New Hebrides, and most Melanesian peoples carried all sorts of things in their ears.
The New Caledonians used their ears as pipe racks. The Berawana of Borneo wore ear plugs 3 and ¾ inches in diameter. A stone Masai ear plug in the British Museum measures 4 and ½ inches in diameter and weighs 2 lbs 14 oz. With the miniaturization of portable radios, this will leave the hands free to mug people.
In New Zealand, earrings were decorated with the teeth of enemies; among the Masai, the lobes were stretched so as to be capable of meeting above the head. The multiculturalists will look simply smashing with their ears in a knot.
In New Guinea, pieces of bone or flowers were thrust through the septum of the nose, a mutilation also practised by New Zealanders, Australians, New Caledonians, and other Polynesians. The African Bagas and Bongos wore metal rings and buckles in their noses. The Aleutian Islanders wore cords, bits of metal or amber in their noses. Unmarried Ababde girls wore no rings in their noses (since most American blacks are illegitimate, this custom is of little relevance).
The Aleutian and Kurile Islanders bored holes in their cheeks and inserted seal whiskers. The Guaranis of Venezuela inserted feathers in the same manner. Thus marked for identification, the multiculturalists can be hunted down and used for food. Why not?
The Hindus burnt all widows alive; the Rajputs killed most of their girls by drowning them in milk; alternatively, the mother's breast was smeared with opium or the juice of a poisonous plant. Another common method was to cause suffocation by covering the child's mouth with cow dung. The Tuski, Ahts, Western Eskimos, and Botocudos killed their infants without distinction of sex. Just think of the savings on Aid to Families with Dependent Children!
Thus it is seen that a true application of multiculturalist values is the "Final Solution" to all the world's environmental, social, financial, and racial problems.
1992 (revised 2001)
Source of all information: 1911 Encyclopaedia Britannica
Available on CD-ROM with 1922 and 1926 supplements, graphically scanned at 300 dpi, all volumes now for 89 jewbuckniks, from:
Very good value for money.
The OCR-scanned HTML version available free on-line at
is not reliable (innumerable typographical errors rendering the text incomprehensible in places; texts incomplete; many articles missing (for example, "Infanticide"; the article on "Cannibalism" is not only incomplete, but is mixed up with another article halfway through); a thoroughly sloppy job.
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